


Atamannaka de Waratteru, diaburo Ippiki Korosenai (Laughing inside of me, cause you can't kill the devil)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Blades, Character Death, Dark, Hatred, M/M, Murder, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Revenge, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-04-29
Packaged: 2019-04-29 13:42:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14473932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “Yabu... what about Kei?” he asked then.Kota had to fight to restrain his reaction.Hearing Kei’s name from that mouth hurt.It made him want to scream, to break everything he could.Hikaru included.





	Atamannaka de Waratteru, diaburo Ippiki Korosenai (Laughing inside of me, cause you can't kill the devil)

Yabu was having a hard time keeping his breathe in check.

It was going too fast, and he didn’t like it.

He wished he could’ve been calm. He _needed_ to be calm.

And yet his minds kept going from image to image, and he didn’t want to see any of them.

Kei.

Kei was...

He took a deep breath.

He shouldn’t allow himself that kind of thoughts, or he knew he wasn’t going to be able to do what he wanted to.

He was in front of the dormitory room he shared with Hikaru.

He opened it slowly, and he saw the younger, lying in his bed reading a manga.

He shivered and, again, took a deep breath.

“Hi Ko-chan.” Hikaru said, without raising his head from the volume. “Why are you so late?” he asked then, glancing quickly at the clock.

“I was with Kei.” he said, closing the door behind his back and locking it.

He was expecting to see a shadow cross Yaotome’s face at the mention of the other boy, to see him get gloomier, _anything._

But nothing.

Yabu hated that indifference. He hated Hikaru’s presence, even though it was necessary now.

He hated the boy in front of him, how careless he looked, as if he didn’t have a concern in the world.

He hated him with all the fibres of his body.

He slowly started getting undressed, wearing slacks and a t-shirt, then he went lying down on the bed.

He brought his hands to his face, shielding his eyes from the light coming from the ceiling.

He had stopped to think, yet he knew there was nothing that deserved further thinking.

He had made his decision, it had been instinctive, but he wasn’t going to go back on his steps.

He felt his thoughts going back to a path he didn’t want to walk, and so he turned toward the younger.

Slowly, he got up.

Slowly, he got close to his bed.

Slowly he climbed on it, making room for himself next to Hikaru.

It was just then that the other boy raised his eyes on him. He stared, confused, then he put the manga down on the nightstand and turned to look at him.

“What is it, Kota?” he asked, his eyebrow raised in a surprised expression.

Yabu kept quiet, because he didn’t need words.

He firmly slipped his hand under Hikaru’s shirt, starting to caress his hips, taking his head in the crook of his neck and running his tongue over his throat.

He took advantage of the moment of bewilderment and forced him with his back against the mattress, straddling him and going back to lick him and bite him softly.

It was then that Hikaru brought his hands to his shoulders, trying to push him off.

“Yabu... what are you doing?” he hissed, blushing.

The elder half-smiled, starting to distractedly run a finger down the other’s groin.

Then he leant over, enough for his mouth to be close to Hikaru’s ear.

“I thought you wanted this too, Hikka. Don’t you?” he murmured, making an effort to sound alluring.

He saw him shiver and think about it for a few seconds.

He hesitated, and it played to Kota’s advantage.

“Yabu... what about Kei?” he asked then.

Kota had to fight to restrain his reaction.

Hearing Kei’s name from that mouth hurt.

It made him want to scream, to break everything he could.

Hikaru included.

“Kei’s not here, is he?” he murmured again, raising his shirt over his hips and taking it off. “Now you are, and it’s you I want.” he went on, leaning over him and running his tongue from his collarbone down to his chest, his navel, his groin.

And when he found his belt under his hands he took it off harshly, still keeping it in his hands while he straddled him again.

“Yabu, please... what is it? You’re happy with...” Hikaru started to say, but he was interrupted straight away.

Kota didn’t want to hear his boyfriend’s name pronounced by that voice, not again, or he was sure he would’ve lost control.

He jerked his hips over Hikaru’s, letting their cocks brush together.

“Don’t pretend for a second you don’t want this too, Hikka.” he said, languid. He brought his hand to his shaft, brushing it over the fabric. “You’re hard already.” he pointed out, and couldn’t hide his disgust, but at this point it didn’t matter.

He was quick to grab his arms and pushing them against the headrest.

“Kota! Kota, what the hell...” the younger reacted fast, but Kota was faster.

He passed the belt around and through his wrists, tightening it until he was sure he couldn’t move them anymore.

Then he backed off, still on top of him, and looked him in the eyes.

The horror on his face made him feel better.

“What’s going on, Kota?” Hikaru murmured, biting his lips and not managing to hide the fear in his voice.

Yabu leant over him.

Their bodies were pressed together, he could feel Hikaru’s skin against his own and almost felt sick at the thought of being so close.

But it was what he had to do.

He clenched his teeth and brought his mouth closer to the younger’s ear.

“Ever heard that what goes around comes around, Hikka?” he said, his voice sweet, in open contrast with the situation they were in.

“What does it mean?” the other asked, while confusion blended with his fear.

Kota pulled back up and ran a finger down his chest, there where his tongue had been. Arrived at the sternum, he started scratching. He felt the younger’s flesh under his hand, he felt it undoing under his touch, he saw the skin redden at his passage.

He closed his eyes for a moment, then he went on talking.

“Two days ago I went to Kei’s bedroom.” he said, starting to take off Hikaru’s slacks and briefs. “I found him crouched on the bed. He wasn’t crying. He wasn’t... well, he wasn’t doing anything.” he swallowed, trying to tear that image out of his mind. “You have no idea how long it took me to have him tell me what had happened. You have no idea how scared he looked, even by me.” every word was a stab to his heart, but he didn’t stop.

Hikaru had to know, Kota _wanted_ him to know how Inoo was.

He wanted him to imagine it, to feel his pain through Kota’s words.

The latter stood up, undressing quickly and then settling on top of Hikaru again.

He pressed his legs, forcing him to open them, and ungraciously pushed a finger inside him.

With his other hand, he suffocated his scream.

He didn’t want anyone to hear.

He wanted him to feel alone, no one to help him.

That he had the clear perception that Yabu was the only one in the room, and that there was no escape.

While he moved his fingers, now two, inside of him, he started talking again.

“He told me that the night before Matsumoto Kohei had come back to the room, had tied him to the bed and had raped him.” he said between clenched teeth, while he felt the spasms of Hikaru’s body under him.

He pushed the fingers in brutally, more to harm him than to prepare him.

He finally saw a shadow on the younger’s face, which made him feel even more convinced of what he was doing.

A few minutes later he pulled his fingers out, getting up and going to his own bed, opening the nightstand’s drawer and taking out the knife he had hidden there that afternoon, when Hikaru wasn’t in the room.

The fear on the latter’s face turned to horror, and he seemed to get the faculty to speak back.

“Yabu please, stop. I don’t understand why you’re doing this, I... I did nothing wrong, I swear. Kota, stop.” he said, confusedly, while the elder got closer again, climber on the bed and rested the blade on his chest.

He ran it down, stopping it under his ribcage. He sunk it and pulled, seeing the stripe of blood straight away.

He closed his eyes, savouring that image, replacing Kei’s pain with Hikaru in his mind.

“I’ve seen the marks, Hikka.” he started talking again, that pet name sounding almost grotesque right now. “I’ve seen every single bruise on his body, I’ve seen the bite marks, the cuts.” he went on, and while he went his voice got higher. “I’ve seen his eyes.” he added, and stopped when he realized he was close to tears.

He didn’t want Hikaru to see him cry. He wanted him to shed those tears, that he was the one to suffer. He wanted to erase all he felt right now, make himself completely focused on the pain that Hikaru _had to_ feel.

He sighed, running the blade on the other’s collarbone and leaving another cut behind, deeper.

The blood flowed slowly, but inexorably. He saw it stain Yaotome’s body, the sheets under them.

But it didn’t bother him.

“I went to look for Matsumoto, yesterday. And... in what little time I left him to talk, he told me some pretty interesting stuff.” he smiled, sly, the only intent that of terrify even more the boy under him. “He looked so stupid and useless… he cried and begged and tried to justify himself, but...” Kota thought back about what had happened, and smiled. “He couldn’t hope for mercy. Not from me. Not after what he’s done to Kei.” he sighed, opening another wound on Hikaru’s hips, and the younger could do nothing but moan in pain. “I hope I hurt him enough. I hope the wounds I gave him will scar, just like Kei is going to wear the scars of what he’s done to him.” he added, clenching his teeth.

Then he put the knife down on the nightstand, opening Hikaru’s legs again and settling between them.

He leant on him, feeling him blood staining him, but he didn’t care. It was necessary.

“And while he cried and screamed in pain, that poor excuse for a human being... he’s made your name.” he murmured in Hikaru’s ear. He felt him hold his breath, and Kota brought a hand to his hip, holding tight, adding more pain, more wincing, aware that it was never going to be enough. “’ _He told me to do it. He told me he’s easy. He told me he’s just a whore. Please Yabu stop it, you’re hurting me. It was Hikaru who told me._ ’” he said, in a close imitation of Matsumoto’s voice, sounding as pitiful as the other boy had.

He pressed his body against Hikaru’s, careful to let him feel his cock.

“Yabu, I have no idea of what you’re talking about. Really, I swear, I don’t, you’ve got to believe me.” the younger complained, panic clear in his voice.

Yabu laughed, bitterly. He brought a hand on his face, caressing him with an unreal tenderness.

“Tell me, Hikaru. I just need to know, and you’ll make it easier on the both of us. Tell me you’ve been the one to tell Matsumoto to rape Kei.” he said, calm.

The other violently shook his head, and Kota’s reaction was immediate: he pushed inside of him, a hard thrust and, he hoped, as painful as possible.

Hikaru screamed, and he rushed to bring his hand back over his mouth.

“Don’t scream, it’s pointless. What were you thinking while you said that stuff to Matsumoto? That you would’ve gotten away with it? That you could really play with someone else’s life and not pay for it?” he hissed in his ear, then moved his hand slowly, as to check if he was going to keep quiet.

He kept moving inside of him, every thrust harder than the one before, the rhythm increasing with the intensity of Hikaru’s moans of pain, with the feeling of his blood on his chest, making him feel more satisfied than he would’ve thought.

“Yabu, stop it. I didn’t say a thing to Matsumoto, I would’ve never. I have no reason, I love Kei, I love you. I swear, I love the two of you. I love Kei, I do...” he said those words confusedly, mumbling, his breath heavy and his suffering embedded in every word.

Kota grabbed his hair, pulling until their faces were close.

“Do you love him, Hikaru? Do you love Kei, do you love me?” he hissed, then let him go abruptly and started pushing again. “Then cry, if you love me. Cry for what you’ve done to him, for what you’ve done to me, since you love us so much. Cry, Hikaru, come on. Let me see I’m hurting you, let me see you shed all of your tears for what’s happened to Kei.” he said, then pulled away from inside him, still staying there. “Where was your heart? Kei always say you’re important for him, that he loves you, that you’re his best friend. That he cares about you, maybe even more than he cares for me.” he said, feeling once again dangerously close to tears.

And so was the other.

He saw Hikaru’s eyes get wet, and shortly after he was sobbing.

He closed his eyes, letting that cry, those moans and those laments replace Kei’s, constantly in his mind.

“He’s so... fragile, Hikaru. He’s not letting me touch him anymore, he’s not letting me close. He’s gotten lost in his own world and he doesn’t let me in, no matter what I do.” he murmured. Then he reached for the knife again, and rested the blade against the younger’s throat.

“Tell me, Hikaru. Tell me it was you and I’ll get up. I’ll get into my bed, I’ll fall asleep and we’ll pretend this has never happened. But I need to hear you admit to what you’ve done.” he said, suddenly calm again.

Yaotome frowned, resolved, any trace of tears disappeared.

“It wasn’t me.” he articulated. “I love Kei. And you’re... you’re completely out of your mind, Yabu.” he said firmly, almost hateful.

Kota burst out laughing. And he thought Hikaru wasn’t that far off, perhaps he had already gone mad.

But he wasn’t going to stop, for anything in the world.

He pressed the blade, bringing it down the collarbone and to his sternum, drawing a line that he never wanted to end.

“You’ve let something like that happen to him. You’ve let him suffer as if his life has no worth.” he leant over, licking over the blood and then biting him, hard, so that he was sure to heighten the pain. “Don’t worry, Hikka. I’ll let it happen to you as well. I want you to understand what you’ve done, I want you to feel what he’s felt, I want you to feel humiliated, that the world would crush down on you. I want...” he fell silent all of a sudden, bringing a hand around his throat. “I want you to say it, Hikaru. Be a man, prove to me that you’re not the filthy weasel I believe you to be.” he hissed.

They kept still for a few seconds, then Yabu loosened the hold on his neck.

Hikaru coughed a couple of times, his eyes moving on the elder’s, almost challenging.

“Do you want me to say it?” he whispered. In his voice, Kota felt his resignation. He held his breath, waiting for him to go on. “It was me. I’ve gone to Matsumoto. We both know he’s always had a thing for Kei, right?” he took a deep breath and winced for the sudden burning in his chest. “I told him that if Kei didn’t want it, all he had to do was take it. That it wasn’t a big deal, that Kei’s a whore anyway. That in the end he would’ve liked it, that he didn’t deserve that much consideration.” his eyes turned nasty. “That he’s worth _nothing_.” he finished.

Yabu kept still, staring at him.

He had hoped that hearing him say that his hate could’ve somehow... if not blur, at least be rationalized.

It hadn’t happened. He felt even worse.

He wanted to keep running the blade on that body to the point of making it more blood than flesh, making him beg for mercy, soothing the hatred inside of him.

But he knew it wouldn’t have been enough, not while he kept thinking about Kei, the way he seemed to be in a place where Kota couldn’t reach him.

“Why?” he just asked, feeling tired all of a sudden.

“Because it’s what he is. Because the two of you are so disgustingly happy, and he doesn’t deserve that happiness. Because it could’ve been me, you could’ve loved me instead of that whore.”

Kota knew what to do.

He knew those words should’ve added up to his hatred, but it was like it was impossible, as if he had already reached his limit.

He felt empty. He had nothing left to save, nothing left to lose.

He rested the blade under Hikaru’s ear and ran it through his throat, cutting from side to side.

Not deep enough to kill him straight away.

Not superficial enough to let his useless existence continue much longer.

“You’re right, Hikaru. I _could’ve_ loved you.” he said, before the other closed his eyes.

The last gaze he threw at him was unreadable.

There was fear. Sadness. Horror, for the end he was making.

And then there was the weight of Kota’s last words, and the elder was sure he had made everything possible to let him die in the worst way possible.

He had given him hope, he had shown him his mistake, and how mistakes are always to be paid, sooner or later.

He slowly got off the bed, letting the knife slip from his hand to the floor, and he did the same.

He turned toward the window, he didn’t want to look at him anymore.

He knew it wasn’t going to end good. He knew he was going to pay for this, and he wanted to.

He didn’t care about his life, not at this point.

He just wanted for someone to pay for all the pain in Kei’s eyes, for what he was never going to be able to express, because what had been done to him had left indelible marks on him.

Because Kei was never going to let anyone close again.

His only regret was that he had to leave him alone, but that too lost part of its worth if compared to what he had done.

Hikaru’s pain was burned in his mind, alongside his screams in his ears, his blood on his hands, the smell of his death on him.

Then he thought about Kei.

About his smiling face.

About his voice, telling him he loved him.

About his kisses, the delicate touch on his skin, all that had always made him special to Kota’s eyes.

He had lied to Hikaru. He would’ve never love someone that wasn’t Inoo Kei.

Now, there was nothing left for him in that reality.

He crouched down, waiting.

His life ended there.


End file.
